3 Healthy Tips for Setting Boundaries in Your Relationships
Has a partner, friend, or family member ever done something to hurt you? And the second it happened you knew you weren’t okay with it?
They crossed a boundary.
When it comes to your relationships, boundaries are extremely important. They establish trust and respect between you and others.
If others don’t respect your boundaries — and proceed to keep crossing them — it can lead to a lot of negative feelings.
But establishing boundaries is often easier said than done. So here are three tips for setting boundaries in your relationships moving forward.
“Each time you break your boundaries in order to ensure someone else likes you, you end up liking yourself that much less.” ~Brianna Wiest
Photo by Alex Green
What Are Boundaries in a Relationship?
Boundaries come in all shapes and sizes. They can be anything from “I disagree with you” to “I don’t like when you say that to me.”
Couples counselor Kari Rusnak from Psychology Today describes them as “limits and needs you express to yourself and others in order to feel safe, healthy, and comfortable.”¹
Essentially, boundaries tell others how you want to be treated and what you’ll tolerate in your relationship. They create a healthy space between you and others.
How you create that space varies from person to person. Different people require different relationships, so the boundaries between you could be:
Physical
Emotional
Mental
Time-based
Sexual
Ethical
Intellectual
Financial
Spiritual²
These are some of the common types of boundaries that people cross, but there are many more.
Why? Because boundaries can change or you can develop new ones. It all depends on your situation, circumstances, or relationship at the time.
Why Are Boundaries Important in Relationships?
Boundaries lead to a happier, healthier you — which then leads to happier, healthier relationships. The goal is to take care of yourself while maintaining healthy relationships with others.³
When my clients hear this, they often wonder:
Isn’t setting boundaries rude or selfish?
Is it ok to focus on me and prioritize my wants/needs?
I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by saying “no.”
It’s ok to ask these questions, but consider this: when you don’t set boundaries and stick to them, you’re actually hurting yourself.
Whenever someone crosses your boundaries, it feels like a violation — causing internal turmoil and negative emotions. If left unaddressed, the process will repeat (whether it’s intentional or not).
Over time, this can lead to abuse, harassment, or mental illness.
“When you avoid conflict to make peace with other people, you start a war within.” ~ paraphrase from Brené Brown, original quote unknown
So yes, setting boundaries is selfish. But don’t let that stop you from speaking up. Acknowledging your needs in a relationship and communicating them to the other person is healthy behavior.
Keep in mind that this goes both ways. It’s important to respect other people’s boundaries because they may be feeling violated, too.
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The Benefits of Setting Boundaries
In addition to protecting yourself, there are quite a few other benefits to setting boundaries — benefits that support you and your mental health as well as those around you. These benefits include:
Increased compassion for yourself and others.
Decreased anger or resentment towards others.
Better communication.
Less relationship conflict.
Improved self-esteem and self-respect.
More time, energy, and space between you and others.
Less stress and anxiety.²
So it’s acceptable to set a boundary and let the other person know. This leads to a balanced, healthy relationship between you and other people.
How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship
Understanding the importance of setting boundaries is simple, but you might find it difficult to actually put it into practice. This is completely understandable — especially if the other person is rude, dismissive, overbearing, or intimidating.
Setting boundaries in your relationships takes time and practice. So before you dive in, take a moment to check out these tips to help you set boundaries.
Tip #1 — Reflect
The first thing is to understand what boundaries you want to set. When you’re able to identify your thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants, you can better understand what space you need to create.
Ask yourself these questions:
How do I feel about ____?
Is there something I do(n’t) need/want from this relationship?
What kind of space or boundary can I create to meet my needs/wants?
With the answers to these questions, you can clearly communicate your boundaries with others.
Photo by Vlada Karpovich
Tip #2 — Communicate
When you start communicating your boundaries to the other person, try to stay calm and explain them as clearly as possible.
Also keep in mind that the other person may not even realize that they crossed a boundary in the first place. If that’s the case, they may not know there’s a problem or understand why you’re so upset.
So rather than using “you” accusatory language, keep the focus on yourself and stick with “I” statements:
I don’t like…
I want to do…
I need you to…
I’m not ok with…
Remember that this is a discussion, not a list of demands you’re making. The other person may have follow-up questions or not be ok with the boundaries you want to set — which may require a compromise.
The goal is to open a dialogue, communicate your wants/needs, have a constructive conversation, and listen to each other.
Tip #3 — Ask for Help
Finally, don’t be afraid to ask for help and support from someone else. A third party or someone outside of the relationship can offer a different perspective.
Working with a therapist (like myself) is always a healthy option because they’ll guide you through this process by:
Listening without judgment.
Helping you work through your wants/needs in your relationship.
Providing support, resources, or encouragement.
If that doesn’t work for you, a coach or mentor can offer support too.
And if you’re nervous about sticking to your boundaries, try practicing with friends, family members, or someone else you trust — especially if they exhibit healthy behavior that you can learn from.
Set Boundaries Moving Forward
Setting boundaries isn’t always easy to do, but it’s necessary for your own mental health. By using these tips for setting boundaries, you can set yourself up for successful relationships. And as you get better, you’ll find that — in the long run — you’re happier with yourself and with others.
You’re trying to set boundaries in your relationships, but you’re struggling to really make them stick. Nothing seems to be working and it feels like you’re partner doesn’t listen to you!
I get it — setting boundaries can be tough, but I can offer support and encouragement as you go through this process. If you’re ready to improve your relationship, reach out to me to set up a consultation.
Sources:
Rusnak, Kari. “Setting Boundaries Efficiently.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happy-healthy-relationships/202106/setting-boundaries-efficiently.
Dugges-White, Suzanne. “10 Ways That Better Boundaries Can Improve Your Life.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202111/10-ways-better-boundaries-can-improve-your-life.
Willsey, Pamela S. “How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Close Relationships.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/packing-success/202105/how-set-healthy-boundaries-in-close-relationships.