4 Tips to Help You Get Better at Communicating in a Relationship
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Before COVID, you weren’t around your partner 24/7. You’d be together at night and on weekends — giving each of you time and space away from one another.
Now, you both work remotely from home and you see each other all the time. It’s straining your relationship and can be emotionally exhausting.
The fear and uncertainty of the pandemic, political and social events, work changes, and family living arrangements only add to your stress.
It seems like you’re fighting all the time — and over the smallest things. You’re struggling to communicate and understand each other. It’s frustrating and sometimes it feels like you won’t get through it.
As in any relationship, communication and conflict resolution is always important. But as we enter year three of a global pandemic, it’s more crucial than ever.
These four tips — staying present, actively listening, using “I” statements, and responding with empathy — can help you strengthen your communication with your partner.
Tips for Communicating
We all have conflicts in our relationships — it’s a normal part of life. But if you’re fighting more frequently or arguing over the small things, you may be communicating poorly.
How can you tell? Take a moment to think about what you say to your partner and see if it’s in line with these tips.
Stay Present in the Moment
It can be easy to stray off course during a discussion with your partner — especially if you’re not mindful in the present moment.
Start by eliminating any distractions:
Put your phone down and your computer away.
Make sure it’s a good time to talk.
Focus on your partner.
Try not to let your thoughts wander. Don’t zone out or start making a mental grocery list. Nothing’s more frustrating than talking to someone who’s not paying attention.
Also try not to bring up past hurts or conflicts. Shifting your focus away from the present can muddy the current issue and cause confusion.
If you start feeling emotionally overwhelmed, it might be time to take a break. You can always come back to the discussion when you feel you can process what your partner says.
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Actively Listen
Listening is one of the hardest — and most important — parts of communicating with your partner.
During a tense argument, your emotions are running high. You’re likely focused on how frustrated, hurt, and angry you feel. You may even be planning out what you’ll say next or how you’ll respond to your partner.¹
When those negative emotions cloud your thinking, you’re closed off from really hearing what your partner is saying.
Try to actively listen instead. Focus on their words — not your thoughts. Then repeat back what they said so you can confirm you heard correctly.
You also want to avoid:
Interrupting or getting impatient.
Getting defensive.
Trying to advise or “fix” the problem.
Dismissing or discounting what your partner said.
Making assumptions about what they’re thinking.
The goal is to gain a better understanding of your partner’s point of view. When you actively listen, they’ll feel heard and more likely to be open to compromise.
Use “I” Statements
When you communicate with your partner, avoid using “you” statements.
Starting with “you” in a discussion can feel like an attack and put your partner on the defensive. It also feels as if you’re shifting blame or other negative emotions onto them.
Instead, try using “I” statements when you talk.
These statements help you focus on why and what you’re feeling — so you can clearly explain it to your partner. They’re less hostile and create an atmosphere for resolving your differences.²
Some examples of these statements include:
I feel hurt when I’m not included in decisions that affect both of us.
I feel angry about how I was treated in front of our friends at dinner.
I feel frustrated when I have to wash dishes every night.
Learning to communicate this way may seem daunting at first — like any skill it takes time and practice to master.
If you’re nervous about trying it, practice using “I” statements with a friend in a more casual conversation first. This will build your confidence and comfort level using this language.
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Respond with Empathy
When you’re trying to communicate with your partner, showing empathy is a key element.
Empathy is the ability to understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings from their perspective. You might have heard the phrase “try walking a day in my shoes” to describe it.
Responding with empathy tells your partner that you hear and acknowledge the emotions behind their words — and shows your appreciation for their pain and hurt feelings.
You can empathize with your partner by using one of these statements:
I hear what you’re saying. That must have hurt your feelings.
I understand how hard it was for you to explain your feelings to me.
I can see how difficult this situation has been for you.
It’s a powerful tool when it comes to communicating in a relationship — and it can deepen your bond. As Dr. Elana Hoffman tells Psych Central:
“When someone feels listened to and empathized with, they’re more likely to continue to open up and share… which leads to more intimacy and closeness overall.”³
But empathy can be difficult to express if you’re too focused on your own needs and point of view. Or if you’re trying to force your partner to see your perspective.
When this happens, take a step back for a moment to refocus. Rely on your active listening skills and try hearing what your partner is saying. It may take some practice, but this process will help you see past your own needs to respond with empathy.
The Importance of Communication
Many of us struggle to communicate and resolve conflicts with our partners. And it’s becoming more common because of higher-than-normal stress levels due to COVID and ongoing events.
Despite this, you can improve your communication skills. With a little practice and the willingness to understand, you can resolve your conflicts — and reconnect with your partner.
Struggling to resolve your communication issues and looking for help? Reach out to me to set up a consultation.
Sources:
Elizabeth Scott, PhD. “Communication Skills That Can Strengthen Any Relationship.” Verywell Mind, 6 Jan. 2022, https://www.verywellmind.com/managing-conflict-in-relationships-communication-tips-3144967.
“Examples of 'I' Statements & How to Use Them for Better Communication.” RANSW, 11 Aug. 2021, https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/examples-of-i-statements-how-to-use-them/.
Rowe, Steven. “Start Here: 7 Evidence-Based Approaches to Improve Your Relationship.” Psych Central, Psych Central, 26 Aug. 2021, https://psychcentral.com/lib/simple-steps-to-improve-your-relationship.