How Is Marriage Different Today Than It Was Hundreds of Years Ago?
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Marriage is a long-term partnership and many people struggle to make it work. They often have unrealistic expectations about it — and they may not even realize it.
But where do these expectations come from?
Modern marriages of today are different compared to marriage from hundreds of years ago. The reasons for getting married have changed. It’s evolved over time — and our expectations around marriage have changed too. In general, our expectations are frequently unattainable and strain our relationship.
So what can you do to improve your relationship and strengthen your marriage?
Start by understanding the evolution of marriage and where we’re at today. Then you can follow some tips for forming more reasonable expectations and communicating with your partner.
The History of Marriage
Thousands of years ago, when we were a hunter-gatherer society, marriage wasn’t really an institution. Instead, people lived in large family groups, with men often having multiple wives. Depending on the culture, there were probably social or verbal agreements tying people together.
The first recorded marriage ceremonies originated in Mesopotamia. It was the first time a man and woman joined together in a legally binding relationship. But there was an imbalance of power — wives were considered the property of their husbands and expected to defer to their wishes.
Marriages were often arranged by family members for economic, political, and social reasons. These were very practical and usually had nothing to do with love or religion, such as:
Financial stability or an exchange of money
Producing strong children
Family alliances
Political reasons such as ending feuds or wars
In fact, in Greek and Roman societies, it was acceptable to look for love and sexual pleasure outside of marriage, from mistresses or concubines. If a woman didn’t produce children, men could even give their wives back to her family and marry someone else.¹
During the middle ages, the Roman Catholic Church rose to power and influenced marriage in some very specific ways. It was viewed as a religious sacrament as well as a social and legal arrangement. The purpose of marriage was for procreation so men and women were expected to be faithful to each other.
The idea of romantic love in marriage only developed in the last few centuries — primarily from literature and stories like the tale of Guinevere and Sir Lancelot. This changed the dynamic in marriage because it was no longer so transactional. Men and women could look for affection and love in a potential partner, too.
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Modern Marriage & Our Expectations
In today’s world, modern marriage evolved out of this history of events.
There are some differences from historical marriage — and the practical reasons for getting married aren’t emphasized as much as they used to be. These differences vary between cultures, but generally, women are no longer considered property or viewed as baby-making receptacles. They’re also more independent and free to choose their own partners.
Some aspects of historical marriage have carried through to modern times: fidelity and romantic love. Although staying faithful to your partner has its origins in the Catholic Church, most cultures today accept that partners will be faithful to one another. And when it comes to love in a marriage, many people strive for the fairy tale ideal written about in love stories.
Society heavily emphasizes these elements in modern marriage — to the point that infidelity and the lack of love are two of the top reasons for getting divorced.
In a sense, our views about marriage are on the opposite end of the spectrum. Rather than getting married for purely practical reasons (leaving love out of it), we emphasize romantic love so much that we forget about the practical considerations in a relationship.
Instead, we place intense and unrealistic expectations on marriage.
We look to our partner to provide the practical elements in a marriage, like financial stability and emotional support — but we also rely on them to provide our identity and self-worth.² We form unrealistic ideas about our partner and marriage, such as:
We’ll always be happy together
My spouse completes me — and I don’t need any other friends
We should spend all our time together
We’ll always have great sex
My spouse will always support and agree with me³
The problem with these expectations? There’s no room for growth or change. These ideas are stagnant and assume everything will always be perfect in a marriage.
But that’s not realistic. Instead, “we have to work to make our expectations [become] reality… by investing the time, patience, and space necessary with our partners.”²
Tips for Creating Realistic Expectations
Like in any relationship, marriage takes work. It’s a partnership that requires both partners to work together to be successful.
One way to do this is to create realistic expectations for your marriage. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you work through this with your partner:
Identify your expectations
Sort through the realistic vs. unrealistic ones
Communicate the realistic ones to your partner
Discuss, compromise, and agree on what works for your marriage⁴
Remember that realistic expectations are those that are achievable, whereas unrealistic expectations are not. Here are a few examples of unrealistic versus realistic expectations:
We’ll always be happy together.
We may not always be happy together, but we’ll communicate our unhappy feelings and work to resolve any conflicts in our marriage.
My spouse completes me — and I don’t need any other friends.
I am responsible for my own happiness and it’s ok to have friends outside of our relationship.
We should spend all our time together.
It’s ok that we each have hobbies that we don’t share. We can spend ___ time on our own interests and ___ time together.
If there comes a time when your expectations aren’t being met, the best thing you can do is communicate with your partner. They don’t know what you’re thinking and can’t read your mind.
The goal is to talk through your concerns and make a plan to resolve them — together.
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Work On Your Marriage, Together
It’s important to remember that marriage has changed over time. While there are many positive things to come out of this evolution, you can still strain your relationship by placing unrealistic expectations on your marriage.
Working through these expectations about your marriage can feel daunting, but you can do it. Talking to your partner and communicating your needs is the best way to resolve things — but it will take growth, change, and continuous effort from both of you.
Need help resolving a conflict with your partner? Reach out to me to set up a consultation.
Sources:
Staff, The Week. “The Origins of Marriage.” The Week, 8 Jan. 2015, https://theweek.com/articles/528746/origins-marriage.
“From Esther Perel's Blog - Why Modern Love Is so Damn Hard.” Esther Perel's Blog, https://www.estherperel.com/blog/why-modern-love-is-so-damn-hard.
Nolan, Michelle. “Realistic Expectations of Marriage.” The Healthy Marriage, 4 June 2021, https://thehealthymarriage.org/realistic-expectations-of-marriage/.
Qualls, Mitchell. “The Difference between Realistic and Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage.” First Things First, https://firstthings.org/the-difference-between-realistic-and-unrealistic-expectations-in-marriage/.