3 Positive Ways to Interrupt the Comparison, Self-Criticism, and Perfectionism Cycle
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It’s no secret that there’s been an increase in social media use and overall globalization in recent years. But it’s also increased our tendency to compare ourselves to others.
Which triggers our inner critic.
Which then triggers perfectionist behaviors.
Then we start the cycle all over again when we compare our progress to others — and decide that we’re not living up to our own “perfect” expectations.
This cycle of comparison, self-criticism, and perfectionism is vicious, but there is a way to stop it. You can learn how to disrupt your thought process and change your behavior patterns.
The Comparison, Self-Criticism, and Perfectionism Relationship
We all compare ourselves to others at one point or another. It usually starts when we hear about someone else's success (or what we perceive as their success) and causes us to doubt what we’re doing.
Have you ever spoken to someone and thought:
He has an amazing job. What am I doing with my career?
All my friends are married with kids and I’m still single. What am I doing wrong?
They seem like they have a perfect, happy life. Why am I struggling to get through today?
While these thoughts are normal, they become dangerous when your inner critic surfaces and tells you — “you’re not doing enough.”
That voice is critical and discouraging. It starts the cycle of self-sabotage and keeps you stuck in a negative headspace, leaving no room for growth.¹
It doesn’t provide encouragement or support and triggers negative feelings like shame, envy, failure, or inferiority instead — and you react by trying to avoid those unwanted feelings, usually through negative perfectionist behavior.
With this type of perfectionism, you focus on your failures and the ways you can avoid repeating those failures — usually by “[striving] for flawlessness. This is often accomplished by fixating on imperfections, trying to control situations, working hard, or being critical of [your] self or others.”²
This behavior is detrimental to your mental health because it lowers your self-esteem and increases your anxiety or depression.³
The more you try to be “perfect” and avoid failure, the more you tend to compare yourself to those around you — and the cycle continues.
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How to Break the Cycle
If you get stuck in the comparison, self-criticism, and perfectionism cycle, it can feel like it’s difficult to get out of it. But it is possible to disrupt the cycle and change your thinking.
So what should you do? Here are three ways you can interrupt the pattern at each moment in the process.
1. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
It might seem obvious, but this is the first thing I recommend to my clients.
Many of us are on social media daily and constantly plugged into what other people are doing. This makes it easy to get caught in that trap of comparison.
When you compare yourself to others, you only hurt yourself. You create expectations or set standards that don’t work for you — or align with what you want in life.
It’s important to remember: You are unique.
There isn’t anyone else exactly like you so there’s no comparison between you and others.
“Comparison is the instigator. It’s the match that sparks the fire upon which your inner critic thrives. Be wary of it. Don’t breathe air into it. Shift your gaze inward instead—that’s how you tame it.”¹
Make the choice to compare yourself to you (or a previous version of yourself). When you do this, you can see how far you’ve come and how much you’ve achieved.
You can then live by your own standards and decide what you want for your life — not live according to what others are doing.
Photo by Keira Burton
2. Silence Your Inner Critic
When it comes to your inner critic, there’s many things you can do to quiet its voice — or at least turn down the volume.
Start by increasing your awareness of your inner critic. You may not realize your thoughts or feelings are coming from self-criticism because it’s an ingrained part of who you are. So practice identifying that inner voice trying to put you down.
Once you become aware of your self-criticism, there’s a few ways you can “talk back” to that voice and improve your mindset, such as:
Self-distance, or respond to your negative thoughts as if you’re talking to another person. For example, try responding to your inner critic with “you did the best you could” or “he/she works really hard and is good at his/her job.”⁴
Ask yourself questions to understand what triggered your negative thoughts. The goal is to figure out why you reacted negatively and feel shame, envy, etc.
Create positive affirmations that challenge your negative self-talk. For example, you can respond to your self-criticism by saying “it’s ok that I’m doing ___ because this is what works best for me.”
Practice self-compassion and be kind to yourself when you feel like you failed. The goal is to stop your self-judgments and accept yourself for who you are.
These techniques will help you decrease your negative self-talk and silence your inner critic’s voice.
3. Overcome Your Perfectionism
Another way to interrupt this cycle is to improve your perfectionist behaviors.
Take a moment to think about how you react when your inner critic comes out. Do you change what you’re doing to match others or set unreasonable expectations for yourself? Do you overwork yourself trying to control situations or make things “perfect?”
If you find yourself engaging in this behavior, try using these techniques to improve your how you handle self-criticism:
Make a list of the pros and cons of being a perfectionist.
Reread the cons to remind yourself why perfectionism is harmful to you.
Set achievable goals that work for you.
Lower your expectations for yourself or break things down into manageable bits.
Celebrate your mistakes and be kind to yourself.
Focus on what matters most to you and makes you happy.⁵
It will be difficult at first to make these changes so start small. Remember to practice self-compassion as you work through this process and talk back at any self-criticism.
Photo by Monstera
You Can Change Your Mindset
It’s easy to get stuck in the cycle of comparison, self-criticism, and perfectionism. But the long-term consequences of this don’t allow room for growth and can hurt your mental health.
The good news is that you can disrupt this cycle. Whether you stop the comparison trap, silence your inner critic, or overcome your perfectionism, you can change your thought process and behavior patterns.
You’re constantly comparing yourself to others and listening to your inner critic — and now you realize you’re always trying to be perfect at everything!
I get it — breaking this cycle is a tough thing to do. But if you’re ready to make changes (while living the life you want), reach out to me to set up a consultation.
Sources:
Itani, Omar. “How to Silence Your Inner Critic and Amplify Your Confidence.” OMAR ITANI, OMAR ITANI, 23 Aug. 2021, https://www.omaritani.com/blog/how-to-silence-your-inner-critic.
Elizabeth Scott, PhD. “10 Telltale Signs You May Be a Perfectionist.” Verywell Mind, Verywell Mind, 5 Jan. 2022, https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-may-be-a-perfectionist-3145233.
Tsaousides, Theo. “How to Be the Perfect Perfectionist.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/smashing-the-brainblocks/201605/how-be-the-perfect-perfectionist.
Pincott, Jena E. “Silencing Your Inner Critic.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 4 Mar. 2019, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201903/silencing-your-inner-critic.
Wahome, Cyrus. “Struggling to Overcome Perfectionism? How to Overcome Perfectionism.” WebMD, WebMD, https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/how-to-overcome-perfectionism.