Stuck in the Pursuer Withdrawer Cycle? Learn How You Can Stop It
Photo by Timur Weber
“Let’s talk about this.”
“No, we don’t need to.”
“Yes, we do. Why are you ignoring me?”
“I’m not ignoring you; it’s just not a problem. You’re overreacting.”
“No, I’m not!”
“I’m done talking about this.”
Does this argument sound familiar? If so, then you and your partner are caught in the pursuer withdrawer cycle.
One of you is pursuing while the other is withdrawing — which means you’re not communicating and it's only hurting your relationship.
So how do you disrupt this cycle?
Start by understanding the pursuer withdrawer relationship, each person’s role, and how you interact with one another. Then you can use my tips to stop your behavior and change how you react to your partner.
Understanding the Pursuer Withdrawer Relationship
Before you can begin healing your relationship, it’s important to understand the pursuer withdrawer cycle — and how you got stuck there.
If you can identify your reactions and behaviors in your conflicts, you can then work to change them. You’ll also understand your partner’s reactions and can find better ways to communicate with him or her.
The Pursuer
Pursuers try to draw closer to their partner when conflict occurs in the relationship. They feel unsafe, disconnected, and anxious so they want to re-establish their connection.
From the outside, their behavior may seem aggressive or intense because they:
Want to address problems immediately and won’t let them go.
Have trouble cooling down, taking a step back, or making space to work through things.
Are critical of their partner and may even complain about or blame them.
Try to get their partner to do things “better” or make changes.
Feel burnt out and like they’re doing all the work to fix the relationship (whether this is actually true or not).¹
Despite this outward behavior, pursuers often feel alone — and they don’t like that feeling. So they’ll do whatever they can to avoid loneliness, vulnerability, and the loss of connection with their partner.
So their reaction is to hold on tighter to the other person and look for reassurance. Or be demanding to avoid those unwanted and uncomfortable feelings.
It’s important to note that pursuers are often women, but both genders can exhibit this behavior.
Photo by Karolina Grabowska
The Withdrawer
Withdrawers, on the other hand, react by distancing themselves from the conflict: “they move away from their partner or conflict by minimizing, deflecting, defending, shutting down, or walking away.”¹
Their behavior can feel dismissive to their partner, but it's their way of protecting themselves during a conflict. A withdrawer can react by:
Letting go of anything that’s bothering them.
Trying to focus on the positive or “not make a big deal” about things that are bothering them.
Not complaining or starting a fight, doing whatever they can to avoid a conflict with their partner.
Getting quiet or shutting down during an argument.
Blowing up unexpectedly during an argument in an effort to make space.
Leaving the room or fleeing the situation altogether.²
Beneath the surface, withdrawers are often sensitive and feel intense emotions. But they’re overwhelmed by these emotions and struggle to process them.
One of their biggest fears is disappointing or not being “enough” for their partner (whether this is true or not). So their reaction is to remain stoic and avoid what they’re feeling.
Withdrawers are most often men — but just like with pursuers, either gender can take on this role.
How Pursuers and Withdrawers Interact
Now that you know each role in this type of relationship, it’s important to understand how your relationship gets stuck in the pursuer withdrawer cycle.
The cycle starts when the pursuer notices a problem and wants to address it. So they bring it up to their partner. But the withdrawer isn’t ready or willing to address it yet. So they do what they do best — create distance.
The pursuer tries again (with the same problem or another one) and the withdrawer distances again — until those behaviors become a habit.
When you fall into this pattern of behavior, you’re not taking the time to understand each other’s emotions. Usually, you’re both feeling more than what’s on the surface, but you’re not able (or willing) to express those feelings due to fear or lack of trust.
“The central issue in the [relationship], rarely concerns the content of a couple's arguments, but almost always concerns the strength and responsiveness of the attachment relationship they have… All couples fight, but the fights that really define a relationship are always about the same thing: whether the partners feel they have a safe, secure connection with the other.”³
Keep in mind that pursuer or withdrawer behavior isn’t “wrong.” In a healthy relationship, you and your partner will take on one (or both) of these roles at different times. But you don’t fall into the cycle because you’re both aware of your behavior and compromise for the relationship.⁴
So to break this cycle and get out of the pursuer withdrawer relationship, you’ll need to improve your communication and change your behavior.
Photo by Andres Ayrton
How to Break the Cycle
Breaking out of this cycle can be difficult, but there’s a few things you can do to improve your relationship, such as:
Reflect on your reactions and behaviors from past conflicts with your partner. Try to identify whether you are the pursuer or the withdrawer.
Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of taking on this role. Ask yourself: Is this helping or hurting my relationship? Is there a better way to handle things?
Separate your past from your present. Think about your past relationships and why you take on one role versus the other. If you’re a pursuer, why are you so afraid of losing your connection? If you’re a withdrawer, why are you trying so hard to avoid your emotions?
Don’t react out of habit like you always do. So the next time a conflict occurs in your relationship, pause for a moment and consciously choose to react the opposite of how you normally react.
Reach out to a therapist for help. These tips will help you get started, but you may have trouble changing your behavior if it's entrenched in your relationship. Couples therapy can help you get unstuck when you can’t do it on your own.
The goal is to understand and address what your partner’s feeling. When you do this, you stop your automatic behavior and open the lines of communication again.
You Can Stop the Pursuer Withdrawer Cycle
It can seem like a lot, but you can break out of the pursuer withdrawer relationship.
Start by understanding your role as the pursuer or withdrawer and how you interact with your partner. Then you can begin to see your partner’s perspective and address their needs.
Taking these small steps will help you change your behavior and reactions during a conflict with your partner.
You and your partner are stuck in the pursuer withdrawer relationship. But no matter what you try, you just can’t seem to break out of this harmful cycle.
You’re not alone. I help others (just like you) change how they do things. If you’re ready to heal your relationship, reach out to me to set up a consultation.
Sources:
Thurman, Danielle. “Breaking Relational Conflict - the EFT Clinic: Counseling for Couples, Individuals and Families.” The EFT Clinic | Counseling for Couples, Individuals and Families, The EFT Clinic, 7 Mar. 2019, https://theeftclinic.com/eftblog/2019/3/6/breaking-relational-conflict.
Little, Wesley. “Are You a Pursuer, Withdrawer, or a Bit of Both?” Connect Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling, 19 May 2022, https://connectcouplestherapy.com/are-you-a-pursuer-withdrawer-or-a-bit-of-both/.
Romanelli, Assael. “The Closer I Get, the Further You Go.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 3 Sept. 2019, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-other-side-relationships/201909/the-closer-i-get-the-further-you-go.
Horsmon, Steve. “How to Avoid the Pursuer-Distancer Pattern in Your Relationship.” The Gottman Institute, 3 Feb. 2021, https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-avoid-the-pursuer-distancer-pattern-in-your-relationship/.